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Banning Carbon Submissions

   Written by on September 24, 2015 at 11:43 am

We hear them big shots in Washing Town are trying to ban carbon submissions. At first we thought it was a good idea. Those little flimsy sheets of carbon paper are such a pain and the carbon copies are hard to read. We banned those here at the imaginary Sneezeville Sentinel years ago.
Then we found out they were talking about carbon emissions. It turns out that everything alive on earth, even here in Stump County, is carbon based. Then it gets complicated. All animals breathe in oxygen and emit carbon dioxide. Trees and plants do it the other way, taking in carbon dioxide and giving off oxygen.
Then if you burn plants, coal, or people for that matter, the carbon is released.
It all seems pretty simple to us. All we need are more trees or fewer people and animals. If all those politicians in Washing Town would quit breathing it would limit the carbon emissions. Instead some of them think taxing carbon is the solution. They need to plant some trees. Apparently they are short on oxygen and it is fogging their brains.
Some of them are so funny they would be on a comedy show if they hadn’t made it politically incorrect to laugh at stupid people. “I just flew in on my private jet that burns a gazillion gallons of carbon based fuel a year to encourage you to save fuel.” And no one laughs. Apparently the audience is not only oxygen deprived but also humor deprived.
Keeping in mind the comedian was delivered from the airport to wherever he is speaking in a limo, he then encourages the audience to drive electric cars. This is funny stuff but nobody laughs. Most electricity is made by burning coal that he wants to tax so the price of electricity will be higher making his recommendation worthless but folks still listen. This is a classic Gotcha but nobody laughs.
He also recommends itty-bitty gas saving cars. The problem is when his limo hits your gas sipper you are going to die. The dying is probably good for the environment but when they cremate your remains it is going to add to your carbon emissions.
The same funny guy thinks that by taxing oil and coal until nobody but rich folks can afford it will save the earth. What he is missing is that other countries will keep on burning coal and since there is only one atmosphere for the whole earth we’ll get the same pollution.
When Napoleon got pig raising banned in Sneezeville all that happened was the hog farmers moved out of town. The price of fatback went up, the manure still washed into the creeks and the smell didn’t know it wasn’t supposed to cross the town limits. The only thing that happened was po’ folks couldn’t afford fatback anymore.
We did the same thing with the old pottery factory down by the crick. Some folks were digging clay out of the crick and making plates, pitchers and cups. Instead of just making them keep the crick clean, Stump County put a big tax on dishes. Well, none of us could afford new dishes so the factory went broke.
Then some folks set up a new factory in the next county making china. They are digging clay out of the other side of the same creek and can make dishes cheaper and the smoke from the kilns doesn’t know about county lines either. The problem is that without jobs none of us can afford those new cheap china dishes.

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