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Are You The Jealous Type?

   Written by on September 15, 2016 at 10:39 am
Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

Does your blood pressure go up when you see your wife talking with someone?  Do negative emotions overwhelm you when you see a woman talking with your boyfriend?  Does your spouse complain he/she feels smothered or wrongly accused when you become angry over what he/she sees as a harmless social interaction?

What is jealousy?  Jealousy usually looks like a toxic mix of anger, anxiety, insecurity, and an obsession of comparing yourself with others.  Most jealous feelings grow on a foundation of fear: fear of losing affection, losing attention, or no longer being your significant other’s priority.  Jealousy encompasses three parties, the jealous person, the other person, and the significant other.  The jealous person becomes fixated with a person he/she views as interfering with the jealous person receiving the attention of his/her significant other.  Jealous feelings always negatively affect a relationship.  Jealousy has torn apart many marriages and personal relationships.  Friendships are lost when jealousy enters the picture.

Isn’t it normal to be jealous?  Being in a committed relationship will and should create feelings of attachment.  It is normal to want to be with your significant other.  However, jealousy is a negative emotion that incites feelings of anger and anxiety.

Issues from your past can be the stimulus for your jealous feelings.  Did your childhood include abuse?  Do feelings of abandonment come to the surface when you look back at your childhood?  These feelings may be underlying your jealous feelings.

So how can you overcome your jealousy before it devastates your marriage and other relationships?  By listening.

Listen to your friends and your spouse.  Have they talked with you about your feelings of jealousy and the action you take when you are jealous?  You may not be aware of your jealous reactions.  More importantly, you may not be aware of the other emotions that come with your jealousy.  Rodney Dangerfield joked, “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous.  The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”  Listening to your friends will help you gain insight into your emotions.

Listen to yourself.  The next time you are feeling jealous, take a step back.  Think about the situation.  Ask yourself why you are having these feelings of jealousy.  Is the situation bringing up hurt feelings from the past?  For example, you never felt included as a child and the situation brings up all those hurt feelings again.  Does the situation really demand a jealous reaction?  Is there a way to view the situation that does not cause you to feel jealous?

Now you have looked at the situation and you understand that the situation did create negative feelings in you because of past situations.  Find a time when you and your significant other can talk about your past and your feelings.  Use this as an opportunity to help build communication channels with your significant other.

Okay, you looked at the situation and you feel that your significant other’s actions were inappropriate.  He was flirting; he did allow her to kiss him.  She does spend too much time away from home or talking with others on social media.  He did lock his cell phone and always goes outside to answer his phone.  She seems to have an increasing number of messages.  There are valid reasons for legitimate concerns.  A jealous reaction, including a display of anger, will not help.  Find a safe place to talk with your significant other about your concerns.     

Working through your issues or talking with a significant other about valid concerns can be a hard process; you may need help from a counselor or your pastor to work through the issues.  Remember.  Listening to yourself to understand your past disappointment, your real desires, and the source of your feelings is the first step to overcoming unfounded jealousy and envy in your life and in your future.

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.  James 3:16   A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.  Proverbs 14:30 

Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.

About Cheryl & Dennis Gowin

Cheryl Gowin, Counselor and Dennis Gowin, Director of Discovery Counseling Center. Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues or questions at 434-808-2426 or dgowin@discoverycounseling.org.

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