Aprils Fools, Spring Cleaning and Dumb Country Boys

Today is April first. I’m told it is also April Fools Day. This really concerns me. What kind of amateur is only a fool one day a year. I always try to be a fool at least once a day and not only that I am accidentally a fool several times a day without even trying. One of my theories is that every man should be a fool on a general basis with the exception when choosing a wife and in business.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I’m in the middle of some serious relocation, rearrangement and replacement of stuff around the farm. Contrary to some of the ugly rumors it is not spring cleaning. The purpose of “spring cleaning” is to clean. My purpose is to rearrange my incredibly wonderful collection of stuff in order to make room for more stuff. I also have to make a clean flat spot for the building puzzle I bought last year. Not only that, there are a dozen or so items I promised to give to folks but couldn’t get to them without moving stuff and I need to sell some stuff in order to buy more stuff. The cleaning part is just coincidental.

Now is also a good time to once again refute that ugly rumor that keeps circulating regarding my stuff. I have NEVER lost a car in the weeds. The story about the country boy who cut his grass and found a car is NOT about me.

I always know what I have and where it is. Other people (including my bride Management) may not realize there is a car or truck cleverly and attractively camouflaged in a briar patch but I know it is there. I also know the make, model, year, who I bought it from, when I bought it, where I bought it, how much I paid, what it is worth and how much it will bring for scrap.

Any evidence to the contrary is probably caused by that “dumb country boy” issue that every smart country boy uses. Some city guy shows up saying, “I heard you had a old truck you might sell” Dumb country boy says, “yeah, I’d sell that one over in the weeds.” “What do you want for it?” “Well, I hadn’t really thought about selling it. What would you give me for it?”

City guy pokes around in the weeds and says, “It might bring $400 for scrap.” Dumb County Boy-“Don’t want to scrap it or I would have.” and thinks, “that stainless on the nose is worth that.”

City guy says, “I just want something old to work on.”

DCB thinks “we both know this is a 1940 PT-105 and they only made 6879 of them.”

When it’s all said and done City Guy pays Dumb Country boy twice what he wanted, fights the weeds and briars and loads it. Then DCB drags another truck from behind the barn and parks it in the weeds waiting for the next smart city guy.

I’m getting ready to start on my building puzzle. Last year I bought one of those big metal framed buildings that was in a pile behind a guy’s shop. It was covered in kudzu. The country boy who owned it said, “Well, I really hadn’t thought about selling it. What will you give me for it?” In retrospect this is sounding really familiar.

We will not discuss this any further but on a positive note at least one dumb country boy made a great deal on this one. I just wish I knew which one.

In any case I fought the Kudzu (and won) loaded the building on a couple of trailers and brought it home.

This building puzzle is one of those sequence situations. I can’t unload it or sort out the parts until I know where I am going to put it. I won’t know where I am going to put it until I get the guy with a transit to check and then get a spot graded.

Meanwhile the building is just sitting on the trailers looking like a giant rusty erector set.

This is getting serious and I have to do something quickly. I’ve already had three guys stop by. “I heard you have a metal building you might sell,” they asked. “What do you want for it?”

So far I’ve avoided saying, “Well, I hadn’t really thought about selling it. What would you give me for it?” but I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.