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Anger Fades

   Written by on July 17, 2014 at 11:15 am

Cleveland, I am coming home! No so fast, LeBron, remember how mad Dan is at you? LeBron James made Dan Gilbert so angry; Dan wrote a letter mocking LeBron and published the letter on the Cavalier’s website for the world to read. Now, quoting Mr. Gilbert, anger fades but in the Internet world “posted” means “forever.”

So, what is anger and how do we get over it?

logo - gowinAnger is an emotion which tells us something is wrong or is a threat. Anger can be the motivation for change. Does that mean anger is good? That depends on how you react to the anger in feeling angry verses reacting angry. When you feel angry, you have three choices; suppress the anger, act out or calm the anger.

You have probably heard that suppressing, holding in, or denying your anger is not healthy. Growing up you may have experienced someone who got angry. These experiences taught you that anger leads to violence, hurt and abandonment; not experiences you want to relive. Studies have shown that suppressing anger can cause physical problems such as high blood pressure and depression. As well, anger can cause you to have a negative outlook on life, to become critical, cynical, and/or  become passive-aggressive. The results of suppressed anger can make you unpleasant to be around and can have a negative impact on your relationships. Even though taught not to show your anger, suppressing it is not healthy.

Anger is a secondary emotion; other emotions such as fear, hurt, sadness, loneliness, powerlessness, hopelessness, or shame, underlay your anger. Your anger can be about feeling powerful or about protection by pushing people away. Your anger may be your way of expressing your need for comfort or support. If the underlying emotion or perceived threat becomes overwhelming, the anger may negatively erupt.

So how do we communicate our anger in a healthy way? Your method for expressing your anger is a learned behavior.  You may need to relearn your way of expressing anger; yes, you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Expressing anger in an unhealthy way is when you use manipulation, resistance, withholding or avoidance as a way of communicating anger; you are expressing anger in a passive-aggressive manner.   Sarcasm veiled by humor, criticism and cynicism are also indirect ways of expressing anger. Anger can also be expressed in unhealthy direct ways, such as using aggressive physical actions or words that are aggressive in tone or volume.

When you express anger in a healthy way you are communicating in such a way that you are “owning” the experience as your own and still leaving room for others to have their own experiences.  It is an honest and direct communication of your concerns in a way that is not intended to exert control over or make others feel bad. You are being assertive in expressing your anger. I-statements are a main concept of assertive communication. An example is “I felt hurt when you didn’t call me back when I expected you to.” In passive communication, you are saying that “you are more important than me.”  Aggressive communication means you saying that “I am more important than you,” while in assertive communication, you are saying that “we are both important and deserve respect.”

Calming means understanding the underlying emotion for the angry and calming the reason for the anger. You take control of the mental thoughts and physical energy created by anger allowing you to make a conscious and intentional choice in responding to the situation. Calming increases the likelihood that you will be able to express your anger in a healthy way. You can then also be intentional in how you decide to communicate the issue to others.

Gilbert realized about his post, “There were a couple of people who tried to talk me out of it. Frankly, I didn’t put it in front of enough people. It was boom-boom, put it up. That’s something I’ve learned. When you’re in an emotional state … wait.”

Next week we talk about more ways to help you reach calm in situations which can cause an anger response.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.  James 1:19

About Cheryl & Dennis Gowin

Cheryl Gowin, Counselor and Dennis Gowin, Director of Discovery Counseling Center. Contact us with your feedback, comments, issues or questions at 434-808-2426 or dgowin@discoverycounseling.org.

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