An Introduction to Stump County

   Written by on December 24, 2013 at 9:00 am

Stump County Virginia is an imaginary county filled with imaginary people, 999 of them. We are about 100 years behind the rest of the country and sometimes we are happy about that.

Here in Stump County we still love God, our families and the Good ol’ U S of A. Most of us believe in hard work and honest dealings and expect other folks to do the same. As we often say here, “the worst thing about being a liar is not that folks can’t trust you it is that you can’t trust anyone else.”

My name is Half Whitt. I am the only writer for the Sneezeville Sentinel Stump County’s only newspaper. On a busy month we print a huge four page newspaper filled with who visited whom, who took a trip, who is sick and other important stuff. Well, that is anybody important can get in the paper. The rest of us can only make the newspaper by getting arrested. Don’t blame me-the publisher makes those decisions. I just work here for coffee and two-bits a week.

Carlotta Gutz is still on the staff, but she got married a couple of years ago and we haven’t seen her since.

Politically Stump County is just plain old common sense. Most of us don’t like the democraps or the Republicons. WE have to balance our budgets and pay our bills and we don’t see why the Gov’mit can’t do the same. Any durn fool knows you can’t borrow your way out of debt but the Gov’mit keeps trying and for some reason we keep re-electing the folks who keep getting us further in debt.

If this is your first visit to Stump County and you keep coming back you will meet Lo Quacious the only person who has ever left Stump County and lived in Rich City. .Lo loves to talk about all of the things he’s seen. You can find him down to the Yak n Snack Resturant talking most any evening.

You’ll meet Maunal La’bor our only illegal immigrant, Elmira Dogbox who lives with her un-named Yankee husband in genteel poverty on the remaining half acre of the family plantation Elmira’s uncle Otis Sneezleweed doesn’t believe in change and often says, “If it was good enough for my daddy, it’s good enough for me.”

And when nothing else is happening I get to write an editorial fussin’ about what is going on outside of Stump County in the real world. Sometimes I fuss about President Yo’ Mama and his health care for the universe and bailing out businesses that went bank ruptured. Then he kept the same folks runnin’ them who failed in the first place. I fussed a bunch about President Shrub and that Pa’trit Act which was anything but patriotic.

I fuss about those illiberal newspapers and televisions that couldn’t find a single smidgen of dirt on Yo’ Mama when he was running or a single friend who remembered him as a teenager but can find everything a Republicon did from the time he was born. I fuss about Republicons who think family values are so important that they keep a child or two as spares without telling their wives.

I fuss about the Tree-man Brush Limb-branch and those folks at Mock News.

Want to get in touch with Half Whitt? We’ll get the message to him! Email editor@southsidemessenger.com or P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947

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