Achieving my Goal, The Ick Factor, and Chunky Dunkin’

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

I just achieved a personal goal and I am rather pleased with myself. A few years ago I had a little incident where my blood pressure was elevated. This concerned me. I am supposed to be a carrier. I am supposed to cause other people to have high blood pressure, not have it myself.

The doctor gave me some little blue pills. They didn’t do what the advertisement for little blue pills claims but they did lower my blood pressure.  Since I don’t like taking medication I decided to beat the blood pressure on my own.

Step one was lose weight.  Prior to Management I was always 175 pounds in the spring.  By the end of the summer I was 165 pounds. I always claimed, “It takes a lean hound for a long chase and a long chase keeps a hound lean.”

As I have said before, I waited 29 long and lonely years before I met Management. Anything you may have seen or heard, especially from Management, that conflicts with that is simply incorrect. I clearly remember my life didn’t begin until Management.

Apparently those long and lonely years and the long unsuccessful chases kept me lean because as soon as we were married I started gaining weight.

It wasn’t bad just a pound or two a year.  Ten years ago I realized I could no longer go skinny-dipping. I was forced to go chunky dunkin’.  Then combining the chunky dunkin’ with the blood pressure I decided I had to take action.

Plan A was to remove the nines. That meant losing from 209 pounds to 188. Everybody says the last ten pounds are the hardest but those nines were pretty stubborn.  Plan B is to get below 179. Then I intend to reset my ICK factor to 178 and I’ll be done.

The ICK factor is when you look in the mirror and say “ICK.”  I had done that at 200 but decided to be kind to me and reset it.

I know lots of experts on dieting. They all have ways that work and they have had years of practice.  I decided to change nothing but portion size. That is, eat exactly what I have been eating but just eat half as much.

Some things were tough. Girl Scout Thin Mints for example. I always thought each box had two individually packed servings.  Learning that a serving was only four cookies was a shock.  Besides, the four you eat keep calling for their friends to join them in your stomach.  It is hard to justify breaking up a group that has been together for a long time.

In any case, this morning according to my scales (who by the way are notorious liars) said I was 188.8 pounds.  I have reset my “ICK” factor to that.  It will, of course, take another week or so before I quit bouncing around above that but I haven’t seen 188 in years and I think I like it.