A Grief Observed

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

No, the title is not mine.  It belongs to a book written by C.S. Lewis.   Mr. Lewis experienced several painful events in his life but the loss of his wife, Joy, caused the depths of grief that are the underpinnings of this book.

At the time of their marriage, Joy had bone cancer.  However, her cancer went into remission and the next several years were delightful.  In 1957, Joy wrote “Jack and I are managing to be surprisingly happy, considering the circumstances; you’d think we were a honeymoon couple in our early twenties, rather than our middle-aged selves.”  Mr. Lewis commented that he experienced later in life the married bliss that most people experience in their early years.  Late 1959, the bone cancer returned.  Joy died July 13, 1960, with her last words being “You have made me happy,” and “I am at peace with God.”

The loss of Joy plunged Mr. Lewis into the depths of painful grief.  Mr. Lewis found help, in his struggles with her death, by keeping a personal journal of his thoughts and feelings. These journals helped him work through his grief, by giving him a way to vent and to explore his emotions.   Although not his original intent, excerpts from the journals were published under the pseudonym, N.W. Clerk.  An interesting note is that since no one knew he had authored the book, many friends gave Mr. Lewis a copy of the book because they thought it would help him in his struggle to recover from his private grief.

So why give you this background?  To point out that grief is an emotion that is universal in some aspects and a state that we need to work through, not hide.

In nearly all possible ways because, as you probably know, it (grief) isn’t a state but a process. It keeps changing—like a winding road with quite a new landscape at each bend.  C.S. Lewis

The feelings that define our sorrows are different for each of us and are unique in each situation.  Our griefs are a natural and expected reaction to a loss.  Don’t tell yourself it is an abnormal response.  Just the opposite is true, the absence of grief is the nonstandard response.  Also, the passage through grief is your own personal process.

Do we have to go through this experience?

Yes, the grieving process allows you to examine and understand your feelings about your loss.  Through the process, your resentment is addressed, as well as your denial and desire to change what happened.  You identify the consequences experienced from the shattering impact of the loss.  This is a time to look at your emotions including anger and depression.  And finally, you will reach a time of acceptance.

Is there a purpose?

Yes, the purpose of grieving is to help you face your emotions and redefine the changed aspects of your life.  Loss forces change and not a change we have chosen to make.  We all tend to start with the question of – why.  Why did this happen to me?   Ultimately, our goal is to move to a point where we look for the answer to the question – how can I go on with my life.  Asking why, keeps us in denial, bargaining, anger, and depression.  Asking how moves us into acceptance.       

“Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had ever been done.” C.S. Lewis

As noted in A Grief Observed, Mr. Lewis expresses that we all experience pain from our losses, and when we do – a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the best tincture, more than all the others, is the love of God.

So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you, I will hold you up with my righteous right hand.” Isa. 41:10

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions; our phone number is 434-808-2637.