A Cure for Contempt

Cheryl Gowin and Dennis Gowin.  Call us at our counseling practice with your feedback, comments, issues, or questions at 434-808-2637.

“Marriage counselors often say that relationships can weather anger, misunderstandings, jealousy, fundamentally different values, even the occasional bout of hate.  But they can’t survive contempt, which has become the signature political emotions of our age.”  What do you think about Dr. Alison Gopnik’s observation?  Marriage researcher John Gottman agrees with Dr. Gopnick and lists contempt as a top indicator that a relationship will fail.

Can you define contempt?  I bet you know when you see it.  We all recognize examples of contempt such as facial expressions including eye rolling, sneering, raising upper lip on one side, a sarcastic tone of voice, snide comments under one’s breath, communication patterns riddled with sarcasm or masking ridicule as humor.

What aspects of contempt makes it a potent predictor of marriage failure?  Can mere eye-rolling cause so many problems that a relationship ends poorly?  Does a tone of voice convey more meaning than your words and leave your spouse feeling you are dismissing and disregarding him or her?

Wikipedia writes about the nature of contempt: “Contempt is a mix of the primary emotions disgust and anger.  The word originated in 1393, from the Latin word contemptus meaning scorn.”  Professor Robert Solomon points to contempt as directed toward someone viewed as having a lower status.  He compares contempt to resentment, which is directed toward an individual seen as having a higher status, and anger, which is directed toward an individual regarded as an equal.

Contempt creates a perfect storm of relationship spoilers in multiple ways.

Contempt reflects insufficient loving emotions and actions.  The more expressions of contempt, the less caring for and about each other that occurs.  Talking with a contemptuous tone or dismissing information from your spouse declares, “I matter. You don’t.” That’s a power play.  If I know better than you do, I’m setting myself above you.

Contempt dumps toxicity into a relationship.  We all want to feel positive about ourselves.  Negative messages of you’re-not-ok are toxic and poisonous to our self-concept like chemical waste is toxic to groundwater.  Tone, all by itself, can express the message you’re not ok; even if the words used don’t say that.  Words said with a disdainful tone will be communicated based on the tone.  Your tone is a significant element of your communication.

Contempt denotes rejection.  Your communication of contempt may be directed toward the subject or topic of your spouse’s conversation.  Alternatively, your spouse may see your contempt as related to him or her as a whole.  Have you watched a baby taste unliked food and immediately wrinkle his nose, curl his lips in disgust, and spit it out?  When you speak to your spouse with a tone of contempt, he or she may feel like you spit them out of your world. “Yuk, this is awful” is the message in the “you’re not ok” and “your concerns and your thoughts are not ok” tone, which you communicate when you make that face.

Yes, there is an alternative to contempt.

Empathy and contempt are exact opposites.  Empathy embraces caring about your spouse’s feelings and concerns.  Contempt expresses a haughty “I know I am best” viewpoint.  It voices disregard and dismissal of your spouse’s points of view.  Empathy nurtures relationship bonds; contempt destroys bonds and creates problems.

How do you eliminate contempt?  Start by listening to understand.  Focus on positivity.  Voice your appreciation of your spouse.  For every negative comment, facial expression, or even thought, make 10 positive comments, facial expression, and thoughts.  Practice positive communications, which include voicing appreciation, gratitude, affection, including smiles, hugs, and kisses.

Want to enjoy a positive, healthy relationship with your spouse and a long-loving marriage?  Scrap the contempt!

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.  Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.   Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.   There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.  Ephesian 4:1-6