Old-timers and jokes

A newspaper editor in the real world recently asked if any old-timers remembered the old joke about smoking camels and the promised land. Well, all 999 of us in Stump County are offended or would be if we were real.

The Stump County Chronicles are a satire about an imaginary county located in rural Virginia. Stump County, population 999, is filled with imaginary people who are struggling with real life problems as they attempt to move into the 20 century. The writer, Half Whitt, is imaginary. He works for the imaginary newspaper, The Sneezeville Sentinel.
Trying to contact Half Whitt? Send letters to editor@southsidemessenger.com, or mail to The Southside Messenger, P.O. Box 849, Keysville, VA 23947 and we’ll pass it along!

What is this old-timer and old joke stuff? Just last night, Otis Sneezleweed was telling it in the Yak n Snack restaurant. If you haven’t heard it, it goes like this.

5000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”

Then Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel; this is the Promised Land.”

Today, (insert politician here) has stolen your shovels, kicked your asses, raised the price of your Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land.

You know Otis, he doesn’t believe in change. “If it was good enough for daddy and if it was good enough for granddaddy, then it is good enough for me.” So he told it on Ike Eisenhower.

As you know, when somebody tells a joke that means everyone else has to tell one. Cletus told about looking for a location for a statue of the president.

They couldn’t put it beside George Washington because he never told a lie. They couldn’t put it beside Lincoln because he was Honest Abe. They finally decided to put it beside Columbus.

Columbus didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t know how to get there, he didn’t know where he was when he got there, he didn’t know where he had been when he got back and he did it all on borrowed money.

Lil Big says a school kid asked the president if he was born in a log cabin. The president replied, “No, that was President Lincoln, I was born in a manger.”

Lo Quacious says somebody made windup dolls of the last four presidents.

The first you wind up and it does nothing for eight years. The second one chases all of the women in the house, the third one starts a war and the last one raises taxes and spends money.

Nancy Pelosi was at a meeting in Brazil. She saw a wallet at the hotel gift shop and asked the price. 5 Brazilian dollars she was told. After charging the wallet to her room, Pelosi turned to her aide and asked, “How many millions are there in a Brazillion?”

We’d have been there all night but Otis kept yelling, “It was Ike, it was Ike,” every time somebody updated a joke.

On a serious note wouldn’t it be nice to have a politician who wasn’t a joke?