$2 Stoves, Climbing in Bedroom Windows and Yet Another Project 

Last week a couple of friends sent me one of those little dust catcher figurines. For some reason both of them said it reminded them of me.  I have to say it is attractive and eye-catching.  It is a bearded man sitting in a tub of water outside. He is reading a newspaper with his feet kicked up. There is a dog sitting beside him and obviously all is right with the world.  I certainly can’t argue with that. On the other hand the guy seems to be missing a few cards from his deck.  Hmmm.

The stories in this column are true. Averett lives a dull life in rural Southside Virginia with his wife Management, two children and a rotating assortment of goats, dogs, cats, snakes and other local fauna.

For the record I happen to have all of my cards. I pulled out one of the decks of cards I used to play cards with when I played cards.  All of the cards were there AND there were even a couple of extra aces and a shaved king or two.  So there.

I was once described as “having a full six-pack but missing that little plastic thingy that holds it all together.”  I can’t argue with that. But since I’ve had Management, she is the little plastic thingy that holds it all together.

For the past few days I could have been observed climbing in a bedroom window.  The problem is the house is so clean I don’t want to mess anything up.

There has always been some debate regarding my mental capacity, my lifestyle, my clothes and a dozen other things. The only thing about me that everyone seems to be in agreement on is that I should not be left unattended.  Everyone who knows me (and some who don’t) will verify I need a keeper.

This is why I was surprised that my bride Management left me alone this week and went to the beach with her family. There was an interesting possibility for writing about Management leaving me but I was afraid people would assume she actually left me for good.  This could generate unkind comments like “What took her so long?” and not to mention some of my friends are just waiting for her to leave me or for me to die so they can chase her.  I just don’t want to set that in motion as long as I am still above room temperature and breathing.

So, what happens when I am left alone?  Well, (as I told Management) first I start calling women.  I called the cleaning lady and asked her to make the inside of the house beautiful. Then I called the girlfriend of a guy who does some work around the place and asked her to put him in high gear.  Next I am going to call and get my lady barber to cut my hair.

The cleaning lady came and the house is perfect. The problem is Management won’t be home for three more days. I’m afraid to cook, I’m afraid to eat, I’m even afraid to walk through.  One of my theories is that cleaning self-destructs in two days.  I am going to do everything I can to make this one last until Management gets home.

She even made my two-dollar stove look almost new.  I bought it 25 years ago for two bucks and we’ve been using it ever since. Since it was 75 years old when I got it-it will be 101 years old this year.  While she was cleaning it I removed and replaced the temporary gas line I put in 10 years ago.

Then I ran into one of those sequences issues that seem to follow me around. Now that the stove is properly piped and permanently installed it looks like it would look better if I added a tile backsplash on the wall behind it.

I remembered where I put the tile saw ten years ago and it works fine.  Now I just have to wait for Management to approve the project and to pick out the tile she likes, find the rest of my tools, remove the stove, and install the tile. Nothing to it. I should be finished in ten years or so.